6.am

today i’m gonna write in both language bcs its the only way where i can really explain things. besides, i am never that good writing in english. please bare with me and my rants. 

pernah tak ada kawan yang u never know u will be rapat to them. u used to have good friends but these small group of people somehow makes u feel better. maybe its just me, maybe im the only one yang rasa benda ni. getting few good people in your life is never easy. but when you have them, u can never be more than grateful to have them. i know i never stick to a person longer than i thought, tapi with these few people, i think i can stick with them. im praying hard that we will stick together no matter how hard it is. i know i can be selfish and keras kepala gila when it comes to few things, and no one ever tahan with my attitude and i understand that but i hope these few people will be patient towards me. to those yang baru get to know me, im glad that we get to know each other. im glad that we can share similar things. where we can talk about anything. opening up to people is never easy, but when i open up to you, know that i am more than comfortable being around u. some may feel like i left them behind, but no. kawan is still kawan. if u nak cakap with me, then i dont mind. i dont left those people yang dont leave me. its easy as that. u dont give up on me, then i dont give up on u. 

i give up easily and i have zero patient about everything. but im trying. im trying to keeping it all together. sabar, that’s what my mum always remind me. kita hidup ni bukan untuk senangkan hati orang, memang ada orang yang akan tak puas hati dengan apa yang kita ada & dengan apa yang kita buat, sebab tu kita kena sabar and buat apa yang kita rasa betul. sampai bila nak jaga hati orang sedangkan orang lain tak jaga pun hati kita. do what you have to do. do the things that makes u happy. ignore the people who’s trying to pull u down. buat benda biar untuk diri sendiri, bukan untuk orang lain. appreciate the people yang never stop sokong u from behind. those people are your backbone. im sorry if i ever hurt anybody, intentionally or unintentionally. i remind myself constantly not to hurt others. 

now is the time where i talk about this one thing. to this one person, im sorry if i never really have time for u, and if im too busy with my stuffs. i told u from the very first day that i need some time to really open my heart into loving someone again. i feel like a bad person for not loving u as much as u love me. i can’t really open up my heart like i used to anymore. i know how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t love u in return. i know it hurts a lot because i’ve been there before. and i swear my past has change me a lot. i guess im not ready to love and to be loved. i need time. people may say im flirty towards the other guys, but i know that my heart can’t love anyone in the mean time. u know when a person hurts u so badly, u changed forever. there’s no turning back. its tiring being the weak one, being hurt, being vulnerable. and now its time to be the strong one. i wanna learn to love again, but i guess now is not the time.