NOURISH

what is it about life, it always takes you away? it seems like the time doesnt exist. hi there my lovely blog. how i miss writing out my heart here. its been such a long year and here i am again. i havent pour my heart out in such a long time, mainly cause i have an incredible boyfriend by my side. i dont really pour it out elsewhere besides him. i wonder what its like to write again. cause its different when you talk to someone you adore so much and when you talk to basically yourself, ((well writing a blog basically means youre talking to yourself, am i right?)). it has been such a wonderful ride these few months. less people in my life but im not that sad ((surprisingly)). i think its true that when you start to put yourself before anyone else, you are learning to appreciate the few people who understands you. who understand how you appreciate your time alone. lately i've been loving spending time with myself. cause its tiring, pretending to be someone who is not you. youre just feeding people the image what they thought you are. i still have doubts about myself but no im not sad all the time. im just glad that i have my boyfriend, who stick to me like a glue or gum or whatever that sticks, being by my side altho we are actually really far away from each other. he never gives up on me, i know how he's actually realllllly worried about me being this far from him. he just rarely shows it but i know. i know how sometimes, he just ask stuffs but really, he's being a protective guy. not clingy, i know how he doesnt like to be clingy, it just him being protective. i swear long distance is never easy cause i miss him every damn time. but im glad im seeing him soon, the last time we were with each other was like 5 months ago. but that it was way longer tho. i think it was 9 months? haha i know, how do we survive?! and we only got to spend 4 days with each other. how do you cover a 9 months without seeing each other with 4 days? it sucks, i swear. but its never not worth it. ((but my advice, dont do long distance relationship guys. unless you guys have 200% of trust to each other and yknow, you gotta admit you'll hate looking at all the lovey dovey couples who got to see each other every day and do dates on every weekends, cause you aint doing all of this shit.)) but i swear once you meet you long distance S.O, the feels, indescribable. you feel the butterflies in your stomach, being all nervous and shit cause you havent seen each other for quite a long time, the excitement is to die for! i feel this everytime, everytime i see his face after a long time. the smile, the small giggles, the warm hugs, the nervous laughs, the kisses, holding hands like its the first time, how you dont wanna let go cause you've been longing him, how you just wanna look at him for hours, his eyes, his smile, his dimples, his whole face, the way he talks.....how he makes you feel warm just by looking at him. 

i have always hate writing in the middle of the night cause im afraid of the things that i will write. it always end up with me overthinking shits and being sad and stuff. but right now i just feel the need to write something. im not sad nor the happiest but im glad im writing something here. being an adult is damn hard. you gotta decide stuff and be strong and all but i am not all of these. i am not ready to adult. i just wanna stay 21. just like the shop Forever21, hah! cause being 21 means youre in the middle. youre not a teenager nor an adult. youre just in between. its never easy, and im not saying its that hard either. youre just trying to find ways to fit in the world, to prepare yourself, for what's coming. im turning 22 in few weeks. not a fun thing to think about but.....meh. for what its worth, im glad i have few people in my life that keeps me going, gold medal to my boyfriend for sticking through hell ((which is me)), altho i am still trying to find myself. in the mean time, i hope all goes well with life. i'll write again some other day, not a promise but i'll find time. 

think

Notice that the last time i wrote in my blog was in January? and now it is almost the end of July. Since i started working, i didnt have much time to write anymore, i didnt have the time to read my novels either. things are slowly changing and im losing pace of my own self. god knows i miss writing and just spending hours in front of my laptop trying to write something good in my blog ((although i know people never reads it and i know my posts are actually boring)) but hey lets keep a positive mind here because i've been dealing with so much negativity this past few months. i've been dealing with people who questioned my choice of job, with how i live my life and how i deal with it. i guess some minds cant be change or even mend, its just the way they think all their lives. im so sick of people questioning me, why do i choose this path when my diploma is a whole different thing? as one of my friend said to me, shit happens. im not living my life to please people, im doing the things i love now and people need to stop judging. you may not understand what im doing, but it doesnt give you the right to tell me what to do. why cant people just mind their own business, why do you have to butt in into people's life? im experiencing new things while youre stuck in your own damn world. you should know that, every work is worth something to someone. they're making money on their own, with good jobs, so please, back off and shut your mouth if you dont have anything nice to say. 

so here goes another rant, things that i've been keeping inside my head like most of the time. body shaming. yeah it may be nothing to most but it meant a lot to a minority, like myself. you may think what you said is all joke and stuff, but deep down inside, its eating me alive, slowly. i love my body, i do but people like you, made me think twice about myself. why would you say such things without even thinking? so like saying that its a joke, will make it better? i may smile and laugh it away and say its okay i get it, its a joke but when im alone i started thinking of how offended the words that's coming out of your mouth. some jokes are acceptable but some aren't. please limit yourself and think twice before saying anything about body shaming. you may find it funny but to some its just slowly mending their soul. i know we shouldnt take things "seriously" but how long do i have to pretend that your jokes doesnt bother me? or even hurt me? 

2.19am

hangover

2.40

Would you rather hear the truth and being hurt by it or not knowing at all yet it haunts you every night. i wouldn't know which one to choose. sometimes knowing the truth, is good but theres this one part around your chest feels like theres a wound. it does hurt and you can't say anything cause theres no word on how to explain the pain. so you say to yourself that its okay and knowing the truth is better than not knowing at all. honesty is a hard word. and when someone is being honest to you, it a good sign, right? you know you'll accept all the pain and keep it away so you don't lose the person you love. who am i to say all these things. being grateful is one thing a person should do. losing someone is not an occasion or an event, we didn't plan whats going to happen in the future. i know there wouldn't be another one like this, like what I'm having with him right now. and i wouldn't risk to lose him again. And as soon as I can hold you once again I won't let go of you, I swear we live through scars this time but I've made up my mind we can't leave us behind anymore. We'll have to hurt for now, but next time, there's no doubt 'cause I can't go without you anymore.

good and bad

3.26

with the blink of an eye, 2017 is approaching us. less than two months and its a whole new year for us. 2016 goes by so fast huh, a lot of memories, both good and bad. life this year has been a rollercoaster ride. theres been ups and downs and i have a lot to tell but i don't know where to start tho. gosh I'm lost for words on what to say - dammit. okay so firstly, i wanted to wish my boyfriend a very happy birthday. well his birthday was on the 28th of oct, and i was so bummed that this year, I'm not with him to celebrate his birthday with him. well the reasons are; i was supposed to be in putrajaya for a cooking competition with the Penang Uitm culinary team but that shit got postponed last minute. yep thats what happened. i'll talk about it after this. and secondly im broke as fuck. hahahaha how i wish money grow on trees so i have enough money to fly to johor and meet my boyfriend there but yeah. long distance still sucks big time. well everything happens for a reason right? so maybe next year i get to celebrate his birthday like how i was with him last year. oh and fyi sayang, altho i am broke, i still have a present for you and i will give it to you once I'm back in kk yeh. 

okay so about the cooking competition, it was supposed to be held in putrajaya from the 28th to 30th of october but shit got postponed 3 days before we move our ass to the uitm campus in puncak alam. oh yeah, 3 FREAKIN DAYS. we were ready to go for a battle but i guess we weren't meant to. since me and my friends were done with diploma, we were supposed to go back to our own places yet we were stuck for another whole month training and practicing for the competition. the day we knew the thing was postponed was heartbreaking. you know when you are so keen to go but things got cancelled. we were all overwhelmed by the decision. so before we went home, we did some gathering  with the chefs and all the team. so i guess that was the end for most of us since we had already end our diploma years. but i heard that chefs wanted us back in march 2017 for another competition so we'll see (I'm still yearning for a medal tho).

AND not to forget, my girls and i, we went for a short holiday in sekeping and the place was fabulous!! i promise i'll post the pictures here soon. the place was calming and it was quiet (well our home were the only home that was kinda noisy with all the laughs). we were there for 3 days and 2 nights if I'm not mistaken. we had bbq and we cooked everything ourselves and there were also swimming pools. i sure do love the infinity pool. and the workers there are superb and friendly. they were all very helpful and the workers are from nepal but they can speak a little malay and also english. but i love the place and will definitely go again. 

thats all for today lovelies. thanks for reading my humble and boring blog. xo

unfold

2.06


you. it has always been you. i'd choose you over anyone else, no matter what. despite being hurt, by you or by someone else. i hope you still love me as much as i do. as much as the day you told me you were sorry for leaving me. maybe its me, its not you. maybe you get tired of listening to my stories or maybe you get tired of telling me about your day, your thoughts, maybe you just starting to get bored of me. maybe we are not sync as we were before. maybe you don't feel the excitement to tell me something anymore like how you are always keen on telling me about your days, about the shoes you wanted to buy, on what you dream about last night. maybe you don't see the stars in my eyes anymore. i wish i didn't see those things i saw, i wish i didn't know the things i knew. I'm afraid, that you'd find someone else to share your stories. telling them hows your day, whats your plan, how you are feeling angry with this particular person. i just want to be the person you go to when you have something to tell, when you are so angry, or so excited about something or too sad. i want to be the person who shares all of your happiness, your sorrow, your downfall, everything. i want to know everything. i want to be that one person you go to, no matter what. i don't want to be just another girl. i want to be your girl. your only girl. you mean more than anything in my life, and i hate thinking about losing you again. i don't wanna lose you again. 

3am

Things i wish i have the guts to say:

"I miss you. I miss us. Notice that we don't take pictures together anymore. We don't really talk like we usually do. And we don't secretly take each other's photo anymore.  No more random emails. No more random thoughts of each other. I cant act like how i used to around u cause im afraid i might annoyed u. I appreciate we spent the little times together. But why do i feel like we are going farther away from each other. Maybe its just me and my 3am thoughts. But i miss how we were before."

close

1.38

how am i supposed to love myself? how am i supposed to make myself happy? how do i find happiness within myself? how am i supposed to go with this flow? how do i change my thoughts? i have a lot in my mind and I'm trying so hard to change the way i think. I'm looking things in positive ways, but sometimes i still have this thinking, where my mind goes all wild and think of all the possibilities. maybe its true that, when you're often alone, when you keep on thinking, it might kill you. i am fighting this demon in my soul, my heart. i am trying to be happy despite anything. i don't wanna lose the people i love for how i am now. i am dragging the people i love down with me. i am trying to figure things out, and i hope he, will never walks away, and give up on me. i am unable to utter my feelings towards him. please ily, calm yourself and stop this overthinking thoughts you always have. 

xoxo, try to love yourself. 

BETTER

01.24


It took a lot of time for me to write again. Uni life have kept me busy from doing the thing i love the most, which is writing and updating my blog. I can tell you that my life is changing from time to time. I still haven't figure out myself that much. people tried to understands me, but how are they supposed to learn and understands me when i can't even figure it out. but have you ever feel thankful for the few people who stayed in your life? despite the hardship and how you drag them down with you. despite you being selfish and trying to fix yourself so that you started to ruin their life too. i know i dragged few people into my shitty life, how i broke them when i was trying to fix myself. 

so, quite a start huh? i was trying to find a thing to talk about. dusty brain and no great vocabulary in my head. when was the last time i write here? anyways, its 2016 and i hope its not too late to say happy new year! new year yet the same old me, just a little bit better than before tho. i guess (?). i have my great boyfriend beside me and loving friends. so manny things happen in just few months and i swear mostly are happy days. won another medal during a competition, went back home to finally meet him and spend my days with him and his family, and so do my family. celebrated my birthday earlier and it was a surprised from him and his family. he gets me the bracelet that I've always wanted and went for a date night and so so so many things happen in just a week during the break. it felt nice surrounding myself with the people that gives me good vibes all the way. oh & we went for a dinner with his family too. and i can see that his brother is trying to bond with us too. so what more could i ask from such great family? his brother doesnt always spare time to be with us but well, this time he does. they've always feel like a family to me and letting my guard down around them is kinda a big thing. 

okay so, what should i talk about next? should i talk about the only friend where i have a love-hate relationship with? where she's my best friend here and i swear without her here, i can't even manage things properly. like things get properly done when she help me, and should i remind myself that I'm quite lucky to have a good friend like her. although we do fought a lot. for no reason most of the time but ended up in each other's arm at the end of the day. so i can say our relationship is kinda complicated and some wouldn't understand why we are the way we are. but i know i can always count on her. so i hope she understand why i am always relaying myself to her. 

i just want the special people in my life to know that I'm forever am thankful for having them as part of my life and has never given up and never leave me on my own although some may feel like i never appreciated them, but i do, i really do. I'm sorry if you guys ever feel like I'm putting a whole lot of weight on your shoulders, but never tend to leave me holding on to hard things alone. i hope no one walks out of my life, because at this stage, i only have certain people that sticks to me and i hope we stick forever. 

i hope i can keep up with writing on my blog, the only place where i can talk and talk about anything.

xo, ily.

ruined

things does not go the way you always wanted. you may think everything is alright but notice how people slowly drifting away from you? i need you to notice how much i miss you. how i wanted you to show how much you miss me too. how i feel so lonely this past few days. people saw me smiling but nobody really knows what i feel inside. i have no one to talk to because it seems like everyone is so busy with their life that they didn't notice me washing away. reasons why i always keep things to myself, they think I'm a cry baby and that i hate being around people, so i rather cry myself to sleep and not hurting anyone. they told me everything works out in the end. 

the only thing that keeps on playing in my mind is him, everytime when i needed someone, or when i feel so alone or just feeling down, i'll just think about him even though i didn't really tell him whats going on in my mind. i know how both of us is too busy, especially him so i have to pretend like I'm busy too. Idk why but i feel I'm at my lowest point right now but maybe its just in my head. curiosity doesn't kill, but overthinking does. i keep on expecting things but in the end it hurt me much more than i thought. its pulling me and I'm slowly drowning. i hope you know how i feel, I'm bad at explaining and i miss you so badly. that i keep on thinking about you before i shut my eyes every night.  maybe its just me. maybe i am the one who is making things up. maybe this is me becoming who i was before. the person you left a long time ago. maybe i haven't change. maybe i fuck things up again. maybe, I'm the one who ruin us. 

DAYS

23.13

My writing skill are getting rusty, and i need to fix it back. I usually write on my blog cause raging alone rather than talking to people are easier. i trust few people and not everyone of them could understand how my brain works. I have a lot in my mind but its hard to express it in words, but i'll try. for the sake of writing out my feelings instead of keeping it inside by myself. i have tons of story to tell and i don't know where to start. so maybe i'll write few things each day? we'll see. 

someday you'll feel like giving up in life and things seems to work in a very wrong way, it feels like the world puts on a lot of weight on your shoulder. every person walking on this earth seems to be against you. You feel the ache on your chest and all of sudden, tears burst and run through your face. you kept on thinking what did you do wrong to deserve such feelings in such young age. for all the time that people makes you feel small, for all the time you feel like no one understands the things you go through, some may suffer the same things as you do. things are not easy, no matter what people are saying, its your choice to choose wether you need to feel good or simply drown in your own sadness. i didn't say things go the way i want all the time. there were days where i swear i can't take any more of being hurt and alone. there were days where i think of giving up and i didn't want to live in such way anymore. no one understands the pain i go through. the people around would say "you'll be fine", "it may take you time to forget things", "time may heal everything", "be strong" and so many other things. but when, when is the time you'll be fine? how do you forget things when it keeps on haunting you. how can time heal when time is so envy of you. how strong should you be to not feel alone and down? saying these things might be easy for you, unless you suffer the same thing. nothing is easy in making such decision. you can be okay today and the next day you'll be down as fuck. its weird isn't it? why do you have to overthink and be afraid of the same thing over and over again. the more you try the less its working. sometimes its hard to follow your heart. and sometimes things never go the way you want it. things fucked up. // but in the end of the day, there's this one person who enters your life and fix the bruises inside you. the scars and overthinking may remain, but you have a person that carries the weight with you. all the misery in your life will never go away but it will be okay in time. not forever, but a little hope never hurt. 

I'm trying, for whatever reason, I am trying my best. every part of me says go ahead. I have hopes in everything I'm doing right now. although at times ((maybe most of the time)) i feel like giving up in life. things are not easy these past few weeks and i miss a lot of people back home and every single time when i feel like giving up and wanting to go back to them, i remember someone advices me about whats the point of having a holiday when you didn't work hard before it. working hard right now and getting reward at the end of the day are the best things in life. I'm looking forward to go back home and spend my days with my kind of vibes and my circles of friends&family. despite all the hardship I'm going through here, i know when I'm back, i'll be with such great people. home is the best place to be, and with great people it becomes momentous.