hurricane

how is it possible that even when you are surrounded with great people, when you are on your own, you realize how lonely you are. maybe it's just your mind playing with you. you see how happy they are and you wish you could feel the same. you see that all of them are surrounded with their loved ones, and when you're home, you sit there alone thinking of how you wish you have that kind of people in your life, surrounding you every time you're back home. i swear, i am envious towards those people who have large group of families and they are so close towards each other. because even when you don't have that much friends, you have all of your siblings and cousins around you. 

i'm so good at pushing people away and i hate having so many friends. i hate having to talk to people, and tell my secrets and feelings to them. i trust so little people in my life and yet i still feel alone. deep down i feel left out, no matter in what situation. I'm so hurt inside yet no one knows, and i can't figure it out why am i hurt. am i a coward? for having such fragile heart and keep on blaming others. i can't understand my own heart too. i can't understand how my brain works. i have the person i love the most back in my life, i am happy when I'm with him. I'm the happiest girl. but its crazy when I'm all alone, i can't think straight. have i lost my mind? 

i hate the fact that the holiday is almost over. and i have to go to back to the place where i have to pretend that I'm happy. that I'm okay and everything is under control. the hours i feel will turn into days. all i have is him by my side and soon I'm  going back to college and keep myself busy. and at night, i'll sit on my own thinking of how things could change if i could be happy like how i used to be. but surrounded by some negative vibes makes me hate my life more. I'm trying to make people like me but I'm hurting myself more. sometimes i think that its better to not have friends and just get things done on my own. just go through college on my own. but how is a person supposed to stand without its backbone? its just too possible. tell myself that i was fine, but i guess I'm just fooling myself.