hurricane

how is it possible that even when you are surrounded with great people, when you are on your own, you realize how lonely you are. maybe it's just your mind playing with you. you see how happy they are and you wish you could feel the same. you see that all of them are surrounded with their loved ones, and when you're home, you sit there alone thinking of how you wish you have that kind of people in your life, surrounding you every time you're back home. i swear, i am envious towards those people who have large group of families and they are so close towards each other. because even when you don't have that much friends, you have all of your siblings and cousins around you. 

i'm so good at pushing people away and i hate having so many friends. i hate having to talk to people, and tell my secrets and feelings to them. i trust so little people in my life and yet i still feel alone. deep down i feel left out, no matter in what situation. I'm so hurt inside yet no one knows, and i can't figure it out why am i hurt. am i a coward? for having such fragile heart and keep on blaming others. i can't understand my own heart too. i can't understand how my brain works. i have the person i love the most back in my life, i am happy when I'm with him. I'm the happiest girl. but its crazy when I'm all alone, i can't think straight. have i lost my mind? 

i hate the fact that the holiday is almost over. and i have to go to back to the place where i have to pretend that I'm happy. that I'm okay and everything is under control. the hours i feel will turn into days. all i have is him by my side and soon I'm  going back to college and keep myself busy. and at night, i'll sit on my own thinking of how things could change if i could be happy like how i used to be. but surrounded by some negative vibes makes me hate my life more. I'm trying to make people like me but I'm hurting myself more. sometimes i think that its better to not have friends and just get things done on my own. just go through college on my own. but how is a person supposed to stand without its backbone? its just too possible. tell myself that i was fine, but i guess I'm just fooling myself. 

mon amour

this is by far my fav polaroid of him

What if, I'm telling you that I've found my soulmate? crazy right? and thats just how crazy my mind is. these past few months, a lot has change. I'm the happiest girl because of his existence in my life. a year apart makes us even stronger now. it makes us love each other more. he gave me more than anyone could give me, he is giving me Happiness. beyond my imagination. i know we can't tell the future but i know he's gonna be my future. "Like lullabies you are forever in my mind".

How do i describe how happy i am with him. whats the best word for I'm having the best days of my life loving him? it's somehow a miracle that we started getting back together again. his touch, his kisses, his hugs, his smile, his scent, the way he laugh, the way he looks at me when I'm not looking, the way he loves me, i just can't stop falling in love with him day by day. its like I'm up in the sky whenever I'm with him. he takes away my pain, i was in great suffer without him because i have no one to tell my problems. to fix it. i needed him that much and i just wanted to say how i suffer without him during that one year gap. i was like an empty bottle. people try to fill me with happiness and they try to heal me, but no one could make me full like him. i kept on praying and telling myself that maybe one day we could be together again, and we did. we eventually did. 

roses from him

"i like you wearing this shirt"

whenever i can't sleep, i simply will write about him. i'll write and write until I'm run of idea and words to say. being back here in kk at this moment, with him near, is more than i could ask for. we gonna spend here, for a month before we go back to our college life. and i hate missing him, i hate being far from him, i hate not having him at my sight. the lonely road i walk without him is no fun. but as he say, we just have to deal with this a couple more years. my heart feel even more complete these past few months. i wish you could feel what my heart is feeling. oh and, I'm happy i was with him during his birthday. and i am happy that he is happy with his present, i wish to celebrate more birthdays with you my dear. may our years be filled with love and happiness, i pray that we never grow out of love and we stay strong as we are together now. to many more years of being together, xoxo.

don't let go

So basically, i haven't write in a while so forgive me for my bad grammar. maybe i was too busy with my not so fun life. it took me awhile to think of what to write 'cause i have no idea where to start, what to tell. I've gone bad at writing and I'm sure it's because i didn't really write in my blog anymore. instead, all the stories i wanted to tell stuck in the tiny brain of mine. so enough with the nonsense, thanks for the people that rather read my rants in my humble blog hahaha. okay. lets write something nice. here we go...

im gonna skip here and there about my life and I'm gonna write this one particular thing. 

what if, what if the person you used to loved so much came back to you. what would you do? so you thought you've moved on. and so you thought you could just live your normal life with the person you thought you love. feelings shouldn't be hold back. and i know i've made the right decision to go back to my old love. he's not my old love, i have been loving him too long and i never stop loving him. although i thought i have forget about him. but oh well i don't. lets have a little throwback to when i first know him. we've been classmates since we were 13. he's the most unattractive because he was that short and tiny and most of all, annoying. of course guys grow up later than girls do, so i didn't like him that much. but he was a classmate which make him a friend. and i get to see him grew. and i know who he's been with... i wasn't that close to him but i knew few of his stories. i think we started to be good friends when we were 16-17 (?) and we started to be real close in the middle of the year 2013. maybe i never tell him this, but i think i used to have a crush on him for a while. just for a while tho. you know its weird liking your friend, although he was quite attractive. but hey, he was my classmates and things gonna get weird. BUT, boy was i wrong. we end up texting each other every damn day. and i started liking him. there's something about him that made me liked him. and by june(?) we started dating. but without telling anybody about it. but people end up knowing. you know how high schools are. we dated for a year. there were more downs rather than ups at the 10-12 months of us being together. i continued my studies in Penang and he was in Johor. you know how hard long distances are and i hated it. i hated being apart from him. and well.... something happened and we went our separated ways. i was devastated for quite sometime. and I'm skipping more stories. and few months ago, we started texting each other, again. i wanted him to be my friend, i couldn't walk away from him and i still wanted him to be apart of my life. i thought we were better off as friends. he was with someone else, and so do i. 

but you know the phrase; that people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you no matter how far they are.

and yeah, things didn't work between him and his ex and same goes to me. i tried finding someone that understands me like he does, but none of them are the same as him. he knows me too well, he knows me more than i know myself. i missed him a lot when we were apart. he was always there in my head, and my heart. and i have always pray for him to be mine again. when i was breakdown, all i think was him. how much i wanted him back in my life. how hard my life was without the person that knows me well. i was gonna give up because he was a home to me. he was apart of my life. and now he's back, i can hardly explain how happy i am. how grateful i am to have him in my life. we were kids in love 2 years ago. and now, i can see him growing, and becoming a great guy. we separated for a year, to learn everything and to feel how much we need each other and we couldn't be with a different person. god i see him changed a lot. i am falling for him each day. i can see the efforts he puts. i can see how much he loves me now. oh how i wish i could show u guys how much he changed. and i wanna grow with him. i wanna go through a lot of things with him. and i want him to be in my future too. 

home isn't always a place where you live. a home can be a person whom you go back to. when you study abroad, you wanted to go back to your home. to the familiar places, to the familiar people. and to me, he is my home. where i find comfort, and love. writing about him makes me miss him more. being apart isn't easy, but hey, look who's back being together. i am sure we can go through this again and i hope the same mistakes won't happen again. 66 days left, to meet him again. missing you wasn't easy because i can't find ways to not miss you. but i know its gonna be the best day ever to meet u in 66 days. i know you're going to read this, know that i love you more than i used to. and i hope we didn't have to go through what we go through again. let's forget the past and focus about now and aim for our future. 

again, sorry for the bad grammar...not everyone's gonna like this post but whatever.. 

xoxo 

6.am

today i’m gonna write in both language bcs its the only way where i can really explain things. besides, i am never that good writing in english. please bare with me and my rants. 

pernah tak ada kawan yang u never know u will be rapat to them. u used to have good friends but these small group of people somehow makes u feel better. maybe its just me, maybe im the only one yang rasa benda ni. getting few good people in your life is never easy. but when you have them, u can never be more than grateful to have them. i know i never stick to a person longer than i thought, tapi with these few people, i think i can stick with them. im praying hard that we will stick together no matter how hard it is. i know i can be selfish and keras kepala gila when it comes to few things, and no one ever tahan with my attitude and i understand that but i hope these few people will be patient towards me. to those yang baru get to know me, im glad that we get to know each other. im glad that we can share similar things. where we can talk about anything. opening up to people is never easy, but when i open up to you, know that i am more than comfortable being around u. some may feel like i left them behind, but no. kawan is still kawan. if u nak cakap with me, then i dont mind. i dont left those people yang dont leave me. its easy as that. u dont give up on me, then i dont give up on u. 

i give up easily and i have zero patient about everything. but im trying. im trying to keeping it all together. sabar, that’s what my mum always remind me. kita hidup ni bukan untuk senangkan hati orang, memang ada orang yang akan tak puas hati dengan apa yang kita ada & dengan apa yang kita buat, sebab tu kita kena sabar and buat apa yang kita rasa betul. sampai bila nak jaga hati orang sedangkan orang lain tak jaga pun hati kita. do what you have to do. do the things that makes u happy. ignore the people who’s trying to pull u down. buat benda biar untuk diri sendiri, bukan untuk orang lain. appreciate the people yang never stop sokong u from behind. those people are your backbone. im sorry if i ever hurt anybody, intentionally or unintentionally. i remind myself constantly not to hurt others. 

now is the time where i talk about this one thing. to this one person, im sorry if i never really have time for u, and if im too busy with my stuffs. i told u from the very first day that i need some time to really open my heart into loving someone again. i feel like a bad person for not loving u as much as u love me. i can’t really open up my heart like i used to anymore. i know how hard it is to love someone who doesn’t love u in return. i know it hurts a lot because i’ve been there before. and i swear my past has change me a lot. i guess im not ready to love and to be loved. i need time. people may say im flirty towards the other guys, but i know that my heart can’t love anyone in the mean time. u know when a person hurts u so badly, u changed forever. there’s no turning back. its tiring being the weak one, being hurt, being vulnerable. and now its time to be the strong one. i wanna learn to love again, but i guess now is not the time.

what year is it?

So its 2015. Crazy how the time flies so fast. i dont really have things to say. but i'll try and update my blog again soon. that picture is my laptop's current wallpaper. one of my fav. say hello to more assignments and pressure for the upcoming cooking competition. goodnight xoxo

Life?

Few months have past, and i hope i moved on. Classes makes me busy and most of the time i don't have the time to think of him. I'm glad some things kept me busy. I'm glad i have good friends beside me. To keep me alive. It's fun that i have a lot of things going on in my life. Like, its hard for me to write every single thing that had happen to me but i know most of the time, i am good. I know i am not the happiest girl,  but I'm trying, so damn hard. Its nice being away from home, from all the negative people. although there are much more negative people in college but i don't care as long as i don't know them. 

Okay so, i realise that i haven't write in a long time and I'm quite confuse on what to write, what to tell, how to express. Have i lose all my ideas on what to write? where should i start...hm... Do you guys know how cool it is to learn french? I have to take third language for my course and its french. Its hard though, I'm not gonna lie but it was cool. Like we learn basic french, on how to introduce ourself, and talk simple things. The grammar part is never easy but you know the fun when you learn new language. Its CRAZY i tell u. haha... its a bonus plus that our lecturer was cool. 

And skip all the stuff about class, 

okay, i think a month ago, i went to a team building camp with the club, we went trekking and swimming in the river and the waterfall. You know the usual things that campers do. it was my first time and it was great. freakin tiring and i cried when we hike because of the pressure and i was tired AND it was my first time hiking. It took about two, yes TWO hours to reach our destination. To the campsite. But i did it. With the help of my team. The next day we have to do the HIKING, again. to go to the waterfall. I literally gave up, but i still manage to get there. I'm proud with myself hahaha. Like, THANK GOD FOR SO MUCH ENERGY. 

AND, AND, AND..... I get to know new people. most of them are my seniors. And of course, i kinda like one of them. Mhmm...HELLOOOOOO crush. Yep, he was annoying, he annoys me most of the time during the camp but, he was also very kind and gentleman to me. AND maybe that is why i like him. He may not be the cutest, but he was nice. I like him. Well guess what? I still like him. nothing much going on between us. NOPE. Because i never have the balls to tell him. 

Okay, I'm gonna stop ranting and all. Lastly, I'm just gonna say that I'm grateful to have my friends, especially the three girls that have been beside me through all the semester, i hope we stick and stay friends for as long as we can. 

I promise I'll write again soon. Writing some good and more fun story to read. Because what you just read up there are mostly me just ranting on nothing. hey that rhymes. xoxo

Lost soul

What power do you have when he doesnt love you anymore? What would you do to make him realize you still love him? How do you go through all your day without him? Will your days be different without him by your side?

What power do i have to make him stay? How do i make a heartless guy believe in love? What do i do to make him see how much i love him? 

Too many questions, yet too little answers. So the person i love the most have left me.. And i dont even know what to do. To make him stay. To make him stick with me thru all of this shit. But i cant force him to stay. I cant force him to love me. Tho he's part of my life, i cant make him stay. Im in broken pieces and he's not here to pick up all the pieces anymore. I made my mistakes and i let him down. Its hard to get up when you're gone. Its hard to look my life ahead without you in it. There's no one like you. You're the only person that understands me more than i do, and yet i still cant figure you out. It hurts too bad, i hope i can handle this thing. You've given so much to me and i dont want my heart to ever stop loving you. Everything reminds me of you. I dont want you to be happy with somebody else. I want you to still be mine....thru roughs and toughs, thru ups and downs.

Not being able to talk to you anymore makes me feel empty. I've lost my best friend, the only person that knows me well. Although i wanted you to be happy, i don't want you to ever forget me. Time may heals but will the scars fade away? oh god knows i wish i have the second chance to make it all better. To bring you back to me. To make you believe how much i love you, how important you are in my life. But i will never have the power to do those kind of things. and all i can do is now to wish you the best in your life. Goodluck in everything and i hope we'll meet each other again, soon.

University

The life of a college girl. 

So i've been here for almost 2 months and it was hard looking for good friends that have the same mind as me. But eventually, i get closed to these three girls.. I dont even know how it happened but the three of them clicked with me. And it is fun having them around. Tho i've only know them these few months, i hope our friendship last long. 

Good friends are hard to find, but when you find the one that understands you and act all crazy when you guys are together, that kind of friendship are worth to keep. 

xoxo

Shine

This my friends, are what happiness looks like. 

Had an awesome day yesterday. Made a surprise birthday lunch for panda's 18th birthday. And went to the beach for some refreshing air. So blessed to have such good people in my life. & everything went well yesterday. Spending my last few days in kk before flying to penang. 

Truly am blessed xoxo

You change for the one you love. You sacrifice everything for the one you love. You rather being hurt than hurting the one you love. You do anything for the one you love. 

But will they do the same for you? Will they notice what you did? Will they appreciate you once you do everything for them? 

Does it all worth it? 

I.K